OCD: Loving Through the Noise

# Understanding Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: My Journey

I write this not only as a therapist but also as someone who lives inside the mind of OCD. My experience has shaped my understanding of Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD). I hope sharing my story helps others feel less alone.

My Early Struggles with OCD

In my early twenties, I didn’t have the language for what I was experiencing. I didn’t know the terms obsessions or compulsions. I just believed I was anxious—an overthinker who worried more than others. At 23, I entered my first real relationship. I remember how happy I was at the beginning. I felt excited to finally have my first boyfriend. But then, the thoughts started creeping in:

What if he isn’t the one? How do I know this person is right for me? Why don’t I feel butterflies every single time we’re together? Everyone else’s relationship looks different… so this must mean something is wrong.

Those thoughts didn’t come and go. They stayed. They grew louder. They became constant, consuming, and exhausting.

Questioning Myself: The Fear of Uncertainty

I didn’t understand what was happening, which made everything feel even more frightening. I assumed that doubt meant I was falling out of love. I believed love was supposed to feel certain. Because mine didn’t, I thought something must be wrong. What I know now is that I wasn’t falling out of love; I was spiraling. But at the time, I didn’t have the insight to see the difference.

When that relationship ended, I told myself it wouldn’t happen again. I believed the relationship was the problem—not my mind. I was convinced that once I found the “right” person, the doubts would disappear. But they didn’t.

In my next relationship, the same patterns returned: the doubting, the comparisons, the mental checking. I was constantly scanning for clues, searching for certainty that never came. That’s when I finally learned about Relationship OCD.

For many people living with OCD, phrases like “when you know, you know” simply don’t apply. Relationships don’t feel calm and intuitive; they feel like a never-ending question you’re trying to answer correctly. ROCD doesn’t show up as a lack of care. Instead, it manifests as hyper-focus, fear of making the wrong choice, and a desperate need to be certain before it’s “too late.”

As someone who lives with it, I understand how isolating and confusing this can be. ROCD doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love. It means your brain is stuck in threat mode, demanding certainty in a place where certainty doesn’t exist.

Learning is a Process: Embracing Uncertainty

I’m learning how to live not just with OCD but with ROCD too. This journey is ongoing and filled with ups and downs. Here are some key lessons I've discovered along the way:

Thoughts Are Not Truth

I’m learning that thoughts are not always truth. Just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s real. I’ve started to challenge my thoughts, asking myself if they are based on facts or fears.

Feelings Are Allowed to Fluctuate

I’m learning that feelings are allowed to fluctuate. It’s okay to have days when I feel uncertain or anxious. Emotions are part of being human, and they don’t define my worth or my relationships.

Sitting with Uncertainty

I’m learning how to sit with uncertainty instead of trying to eliminate it. This is perhaps the hardest lesson. I want answers, but sometimes, I have to accept that not knowing is part of life.

Loving Through the Noise

I’m learning how to love even when my brain is loud. Love doesn’t have to feel perfect to be real. It can be messy, complicated, and still beautiful.

This journey isn’t easy. There are days when the doubts still show up, when my mind wants answers it can’t have. But there is also growth, compassion, and resilience. I’m choosing to share my story because ROCD thrives in silence and misunderstanding. By talking about it openly and honestly, I hope to build awareness, reduce shame, and create connection.

You’re Not Alone

You’re not broken for questioning. You’re not failing at love because your mind is noisy. You’re human—and you’re not alone. Many of us face similar struggles, and it’s essential to reach out for support.

If you’re looking for help, consider exploring resources available in your community. There are therapists and support groups that can provide guidance and understanding. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Kindly,

Joella Ochs

Associate Marriage & Family Therapist #150615

blvdcounseling.com